I think my life is currently at its peak.

My life has never been better than this.

It’s been a while since I don’t have to worry about various adulting matters and enjoy the moments I spend simply being me. A life where even tho I’m working a mundane job, I will work without that much stress that I will carry out later even after clocking off. A life where I could afford to be generous to myself and even spoil my mom a bit. A life where my best company is only myself and the time I use to indulge in my interests and hobbies. A life where I’m investing in myself and my happiness.

I guess it’s true that one can easily dream and thrive better in more accommodating circumstances. I mean, look at those kids raised from well-off backgrounds. Chances they’ll get success unless they mess up by letting them into the wrong circles when they grow up or they are simply very unlucky. I remember I was once always loud about this ‘circumstances’ thing. It was like my way of coping.

“It’s okay that this is the only thing I can achieve. I’m doing fairly well despite my circumstances.”

“People have their circumstances so I shouldn’t compare mine to others. Always be grateful.”

My circumstances this and that.

That was my mantra to ignore all of the jealousy and regrets that slowly crept into the back of my mind whenever I thought what I was doing was not enough. Or when I saw how far in life people around me compared to myself.

Fortunately, I feel like the universe finally giving me the chance to shine.

And with my current situation, I can finally gain the confidence I used to have during my youthful days to dream again. Well, maybe the less ambitious dreams. Dreams that are humbler and more realistic. But that doesn’t mean I am afraid. It’s just the less ambitious dreams are what align with my current self.

I’m sure that one day, there will be more chances when once again, I’ll say “I think my life is currently at its peak”. And hopefully, I’m going to be proven wrong because, in fact, my life will continue to get better and better.

Today, I’m officially hit the 30.

A few years ago, I was dreading the fact that I soon would turn into a full-fledged actual adult. What have I done with my life? Other than my corporate life, I have nothing else. Even though I make my own money, I couldn’t enjoy them. Whenever I have spare money in the bank account, things come up and I would receive more and more bills to pay.

Love life? Don’t ask me. I already accepted that in this life, I’m just that person who isn’t blessed with a smooth romantic life. I thought all the time that my love life would make more sense if I were a lesbian. Unfortunately, I’m pretty much straight. I love women but my love for women is only at the level of admiration. It was never sexual, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that I could be attracted to women in that way too.

My only aspiration that still lives rent-free in the back of my mind? I don’t have the motivation to write. I was pretty much burned out from my corporate job to have a clear and creative mind to finish my novel. Lately, I’m somehow trying to pick up the pen once more because the universe finally let me have an easy job.

Anyway, when people say that life begins at 30, I guess I’m also that one case.

I still remember vividly when I just entered my 20s. I was burning with ambitions to change my life. Growing up in a difficult childhood, I naively thought that I had what it takes to live a better life and soon my life would start to make sense once I graduated from the university and found a job. Unfortunately, things didn’t go that way. In fact, besides having to heal my inner child, corporate life is so draining and depressing, and I have additional costs to pay that still feel overwhelming even to this day. I couldn’t relax and I sometimes succumbed to obsessive and unhealthy behavior as a result.

Now that I just entered my 30s, I somehow feel a lot calmer and more secure. No more ambitions but I do still keep the aspiration in me alive. I treat it as a legacy that I would hopefully leave behind someday. Also, it’s a bit depressing but the thought of the death of the people who are in my life sometimes looms. I think about how important it is to spend some time with people in my life from time to time. Not intensely (coz I also have to maintain my energy for work), but make sure to check on them from time to time. To forgive people and to shrug off some hurtful shits other people did toward me in the past. My opinion on people now going as simple as to 'vibe' or 'not vibe'.

Maybe I’m just lucky, but it seems the universe favors me nicely as I enter my 30s.

I’m grateful that my current job is much and much better than before. And I’m not saying this in the 'no matter what happened, always look on the positive side' kind of brainwashed mind like what I always do if I’m being honest. I joined my current company with fewer expectations, but to this day my boss’ wise and nice way of treating his employees makes me feel like what I experience is not freakin' real. For example, when I finished my probation, I didn’t expect that my boss would increase my salary that much. Because even if he didn’t have to, I already got a better amount that allowed me to rent a nice place with a cool view and splurge a bit. My workload has drastically decreased (there are more days when I’m not even sure what I have to do to spend my time at work) and I even got my very own room. No more open spaces with no privacy, yay!

I got the feeling the good thing that has been happening to me is just the beginning. As I entered my 30s, I would focus on living healthier and making my aspiration come true one day. Maybeee, someone special would come along the way but to be honest, I’m pretty much satisfied with how secure my life is at the moment.

Hello, it’s been a while.

This post will be a short update and a reflection on the last two years.

As I previously mentioned, I have a new job and will complete my second year of working here this month. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), there will be no third year because I resigned and will start a new job in two weeks.

I didn’t have any desire to write in any form. Either creative work or just personal journaling. In the last two years, I have been living very slowly—except during my 9 to 5—with no particular worry about being lonely. Perhaps because in fact, I found some of the nicest co-workers ever despite some office drama that happened. I loved the atmosphere, I was comfortable with most of the people. The employee package was the best I’ve ever got during my seven years of career. Most of the time I got no complaints and simply lived my quiet office worker’s life.

In the last two years also the period when I was the most aromantic in my entire life. No desire to find someone. Not having any crush. Not trying to get close to anyone. Like I’m currently super comfortable with the thought of being alone. Well, it was also because as I met many kinds of people in the office, many conversations and some events brought me to the conclusion that being straight and having a man as a romantic partner is mostly a waste of time and disadvantageous for women. Like if I want to feel some romance, I could just seek fiction and get my dose of butterflies there.

I did give a guy a chance during the middle of the year 2022. But let’s say I was super disconnected. Even tho he was nice and somehow gave his effort, I kept finding reasons why trying things with me would be a bad idea. Eventually, he gave up after I pulled out my ‘trump card’ aka religion, and my mom. No regrets at all. Now that I think about it, if I look back his effort was literally the bare minimum and I would end up returning the favor twice than what he gave.

Enough talk about that, let’s get to the point of why I decided to resign.

As expected from life, sooner or later there will be change. Sadly, this time, it wasn’t the change that I was able to endure any longer. I was hurt.

By the end of June 2023, a new manager came. My new manager. I wouldn’t expect one person to drastically change the whole atmosphere. I’m no stranger to working hard. My previous companies were the reason why I was so grateful for what I’ve been receiving here. At first, I tried to accommodate his demanding tasks. At some point, he trusted me and began to give me more tasks and I’m starting to get burned out. That and the way he treats us like we’re his servants or something got me even more fed up with the situation.

December 2023 was probably the most exhausting month I’ve ever experienced in my last two years. It seems everything that happened was to lead me to the point where I was determined to find a new job. That one morning, my manager was angry about something trivial. So angry he even took three times to lash his anger on me and dragged the other co-workers to receive his scoldings. When he said something along the lines that ‘my job is unimportant’ and ‘if I quit today he will find someone to replace me in a week or two’, I was hurt. I mean, I didn’t expect him to compliment me but I wouldn’t want my boss to say something as insensitive as that. Especially since I’ve always tried to fulfill his exhausting tasks and put my to-do list aside.

I thought enough was enough. If I don’t leave now I will be the one left out because the other co-workers also planning to resign. It’s not like the situation will get any better. No more pleasant atmosphere as my manager kept hiring new people while the company was at its highest turnover rate. It wasn’t only me who thought that the company somehow changing for the worse. So much toxicity going on that I thought if I’m going to get overworked may as well find a new job that will pay me better. I may gamble for a better situation where I don’t get someone insensitive as a leader.

Back to the present, here I am counting the hours to my last day tomorrow. I also have to prepare to move out to a new place closer.

I’m not sure what to expect in my new job. Not gonna lie, I’m quite anxious because, unlike the previous situation, I’m literally throwing away a full-time job with all of its benefits. My new job is full of possibilities— I’m saying this as a matter of fact. I will be the first HR in my new company which means so many things to build from zero.

I could only wish for the best.

Staying hopeful. Staying strong.

Loneliness sound scary but once you befriended it, its existence become a comfort.

No matter how many friends you have, no matter how warm you family is, no matter how attentive your lover might be, at the end of the day it’s all come back to you. 

One day you’ll wake up to find the crowded surroundings and the chattering of people faded in the background.

All that’s left is the feeling of lonelier than ever. 

You start questioning whether they even understand your real self with the life problems you’ve told them and the likes and dislikes you’ve shared with them. 

Whether your feelings are ever valid for them. 

Being there for other is hard, being compassionate for other is painful, as the one you cherish might not even reciprocate your efforts. 

You're just someone in their current life journey that they could use to advance. 

And as you’re having this thought, in the back of your head, you feel guilty. 

At this point, is your wish to have people to treat you the same way you did to them even sincere? 

See, human relationships are very bothersome. 

Until it's all come back to the realization that at some point, you will always feel lonely, whether rarely or often. 

But me, I decided to befriended the loneliness. 

So, when the loneliness hits, I will face and accept it. 

I find dealing with loneliness is easier that dealing with how many times human disappoints.  

As the collective leave isn’t a thing at my office, my Ied’s holidays this year only last from Saturday to Tuesday. Unlike the previous years when I usually spend it by exploring the quiet Jakarta with friends, this year I spent it with my family and got as much sleep as I want. But four days went by so fast and I have to get back to work in a few hours. I’m already dreading it because my day-offs felt too short yet I knew once I’m back at work the weekend will suddenly come just around the corner.

That’s just how time works. You might think 1 year is long but in actuality, it’s a fleeting moment. What you will experience or currently experience become a memory that might even be forgotten as you get older. The same goes for your dreams, your wishes, your wants, and your desires.

I’m sure there were days when you thought that you want to do something… or maybe as simple as wanting to eat something good. As the outcome, you either just do it and get what you want or you might postpone it… maybe because you feel unsure or reluctant so you don’t feel like doing or getting it anymore. Whether it's the outcome A or B, both will end up as a memory that sooner or later will be forgotten.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how many times I ended up with not getting what I want just because I’m not dedicated enough to pursue it. Sometimes I wonder if perhaps it’s because I might be a pushover; going with what other people think is the best and just accepting, sacrificing my feelings, and getting hurt by myself. As I’m getting closer to my 30s, I’m finally able to appreciate living at a slower pace and find the beauty in a calm and quiet life. Even so, I think maybe it’s okay to do something out of ordinary once in a while. That doesn’t mean I need to do something crazy or extreme. Just something that’s a little bit out of my comfort zone is good enough. I also need to be firmer so I don’t end up being dragged into uncertainty.

As previously said, I want to find a new job so I resigned on 18 February.

So here I am, writing from my new company while waiting for a coworker to send me his file so I can do my report. I’m now living at a new place and I hope life gets better somehow with this new opportunity.

So far my new company is exceeding my expectations. A better workplace compared to my previous experiences. The only problems I have so far are the fact that the people here seem to love to work overtime and there are many papers and documents to handle. The rest is honestly good.

Life's been really great lately and I’m thankful.

Do you ever feel like you don’t want to believe—that you can’t believe?

That you’re afraid to believe.

Because to believe is to allow yourself to be vulnerable, to be hurt, to be brokenhearted, and to be betrayed. Despite the possibility that what awaits from your trust might be happiness, nevertheless, you’re still afraid.

The expectation of said happiness is exactly what makes you tremble. Like what if it’s all in your head? Perhaps you’re just imagining the whole thing. A scenario too good to be true.

You have no assurance to hold onto, which makes it harder to believe. At least even when disappointment can come anytime without notice, when you had the assurance, there was a period when you were at peace since you thought everything was fine. You thought you had the world in the palm of your hand. So you were once content.

But this time, you have no assurance.

You are not special even if you want to believe you are. You are just that person amongst a sea of people in the bustling city. Replaceable once they find someone better despite the impression and experience you’ve shared. You never hear… you never read… you never see… you never get that certainty. So, for the sake of protecting yourself from the possible damage, you decided to not believe.

You look at them and smiled bitterly. You don’t say it but you put an invisible wall. You can see them from afar and you can hear the voice. You can converse back for the sake of courtesy. Still, you know you are not as hopeful as before. Perhaps if they still want to see that glistening sparkles in your eyes, they have to write something on that invisible wall and give you some time to think. Who knows. But If they don’t, it’s honestly fine.

Once that wall’s up, you’d rather not wait around.

For some reason, I’ve been awake since 2 a.m and could no longer sleep. I know I’m going to regret this once I’m at work. Fortunately, I will leave the office early to get ready to spend new year’s eve at my uncle’s. Since I couldn’t go back to sleep anyway and I still have some time left before work, why not write one last post for 2021?

1. What went well this year?

Despite complaining that my work has been overloaded, I noticed professional-wise my skill increased significantly compared to last year. I’m adapting very well to working under such pressure. Later on, I’m getting better at setting my boundaries when I feel like I don’t want to have more on my plate. I’m good at doing work that the others couldn’t do that leaves no option for my boss when I have enough and decline more tasks to do.

Although it was mostly journaling, I wrote more. The fiction that I published finally got recognition and I received some lovely and encouraging messages. That kinda boosts my confidence because I’ve been insecure about whether my writing style will find its audience or not.

I’m starting to pick up on learning Japanese again though lately it’s been on and off as my mind is getting occupied with worries about job seeking.

I have my room and I could finally clean it to make the room feel more spacious and organize it just as I want.

Also, I think I maintain my relationship with friends and family better. I talk to my friends often and I spare some time to call my family or send them messages, making more effort when in the past I didn't even bother. I wish it’ll work the same with my mom someday. I even gained a… special friend (?), and he’s been such an important and calming present that helps me stay sane while juggling both work and personal life.

Lastly, this December I decided to give therapy another chance. The result is not immediate, as I have only just begun. But it seems after the session I have thoughts and questions to ponder for the next few days so I guess that was a good sign. I already scheduled another appointment for next month. 

2. What didn’t go so well this year?

I never experienced burnout as awful as this year. There were days when I felt so drained and exhausted and I had to withdraw from any form of socializing just to take a long sleep. Before I asked my boss to change my working schedule from 7 a.m to 4.30 p.m, I had to follow the official schedule and start work at 8. Yet strangely I always came late almost every day. The thought of going to work was depressing and waking up from bed was such a struggle. Now that I have to start earlier, I became more punctual as I have an hour uninterrupted and I can go home when the sun is still up.

On the social side, I met someone that I thought was very nice but turned out to be a walking red flag. I thought I liked them but despite our interesting convos, there are days when they made me feel uncomfortable and even disturbed. Good thing I cut them off fast.

Despite my writing finally getting recognition, the second half of 2021 was mostly me having writer’s block and couldn’t do any creative writing. I used most of my writing times for journaling and swept the novel project under the rug. 

Also, I didn’t do yoga and didn’t meditate as much as last year. I read and watch less philosophy and prefer an easier watch like J-drama or Netflix. This year I was not as mindful as before.

3. What did I learn this year?

Multitasking. I know by nature, women are better at multitasking than men. But my level of multitasking was not as evolved as this year. Still, I would prefer to focus on one task before jumping to another one unless the situation wouldn’t allow me to do that.

Work moderately. I worked so hard in the first half of 2021 and the burnout came fast. Added with realizations that I displeased with the fact that some of the company’s rules are unfair for the employees, the more I have to spend my time at work, the more I resent my company and that feeling slowly turns into hatred. I learned that I have to work moderately for the sake of my mental and physical health. I don’t live for my company and the gives and takes are not equal. So why should I work too hard just because I don’t want to make my boss or my colleagues feel upset? Although I admit sometimes I still feel so guilty for working at a slower pace.

You are precious in your way so don’t stress on superficial things. Outwardly, I don’t seem like a girl who cares much about what people think of me, how my life looks or how far I am currently in life compared to most people at the same age as mine. But I did… I had a self-esteem issue and sometimes I hate how I feel like I don’t accomplish much. I’ve been trying my best to practice being grateful for a long time but only recently have I’m more accepting and gentler with myself. “Are you sure you’re being grateful because you are indeed grateful or are you just giving up on improving your situation?” That was a question I got when I told someone that I’m learning to be more grateful. As much as I don’t want to admit it, it was quite hurtful when my genuine effort to be grateful is somehow being judged as a weak mindset. Now I don’t care. My walk of life might not be ideal but as I understand that people have different purposes and values in life, I think I’m doing just fine and my gratefulness is my way to grounding myself for the sake of my well-being.

To summarize, this year was an interesting short chapter in my life—short because I can tell that I’m going to start a brand new one soon. The chapter was starting from last year when I was impulsively taking any chance I could to leave my hometown, landed a job that didn’t end well, and finally stayed at my current job. For 2021 in particular, the word that depicts the year the most was ‘Starting Over’. I’ve learned new things from my workplace and the people in my life while reevaluating some old beliefs and knowledge.

May 2022 be a much better year for all of us.

Today officially marked a year since I’ve been working for my current company. I have experienced ups and downs, many interesting experiences on and off works. Lessons are learned and last week I told my boss that I will not renew my contract.

I will resign in February.

You know, I feel grateful for the privilege of having a job when many people are struggling to get one. Especially in this pandemic. But as days passed, I have to be honest that it’s getting harder to be grateful. My works are though and the load is getting heavier. Meanwhile, I feel neglected mentally, physically, and financially.

I guess it’s true that a good leader and a supportive environment are the key reasons why an employee decided to stay. Unfortunately, I never feel that I’m being supported. My voices are not heard. The burdens are getting too much for just that much paycheck. I’m too exhausted to enjoy my weekend and experience stress-caused sickness during important datelines like the payroll period.

As I’m working in HR, I also take notes on how the company has so many unfair policies that not just break the law but are very unfair to most of us—both middle and bottom-level employees in the pyramid. All I can conclude is my company doesn’t look like one that values its human capital. 

Truthfully, I’m scared to look for a new job. I can say that I’m confident with my skills and experiences but… I don’t know what kind of company I will end up in next. But the thought of being able to rest and recharge for (hopefully) just a short period before starting anew in a different environment is the only thing that liberates me right now.

Days since our last encounter, I’m sitting here again and facing you.

My younger self thought of you as liberty. Or maybe escapism. As I poured the images that live in my head to you. You’re there to take without judgment but instead, I am the one who judges and you just let me be. 

Facing you was fun, but now it’s frightening.

What used to be vivid imaginations slowly replaced by the heaviness of life. And without notice, they keep piling up.

Gone the once hopeful maiden as she’s now the adult consumed by mindless routines.

Now as I face you, I don’t know what to say. You’re there to take without judgment but instead, I don’t give any and you just let me be.

Facing you awakening uncomfortable feelings.

I am silenced by the light in front of me for one minute, two minutes, half an hour, and now it’s all pitched black.

It’s been 2 weeks since I live alone by myself. My dearest senior since my middle school days aka my roommate for the past 6 months just moved to her new house. Finally, she got to live with her mom and I got the solitude that I’ve been longing for.

Things are going well so far. I love the calm and privacy as well as the autonomy I have to decide whatever I want to do with the room. 

This is another brand new chapter because I think it’s the very first time I live quite far from my friends. I mean, I once had my own room but my dearest senior was also my co-worker who lived upstairs. We practically spent most of our time together. Now if we want to meet we have to make an appointment. We no longer have the luxury to simply crash in each other doors to get dinner.

Anyway, living alone is still what suits me the best. There are more good things compare to bad things and it’s more in alignment with my introverted personality.

Nonetheless, this solitude got me thinking, like a lot.

I’ve always been an overthinker and it’s crazy when I spend my time alone, my mind suddenly wanders way too far. Most of the time, my mind decides that it will just take me to the dark side. That one corner where I regret and blame myself for what happened in my life. As if that isn’t enough, sometimes my mind takes me even further on the path of pessimism. It leads me to think that I can do nothing about my life and how I will live the rest of my life in mundane and sadness. I think of all of the negative feelings I can imagine. Mostly loneliness and unworthiness, the negative emotions that I’m struggling with on an almost daily basis.

In conclusion, the existential crisis hit harder compared to when I have someone around. 

I really don’t want to refer to my friends as distractions yet it’s indeed a fact that with my senior gone, I no longer have a concrete diversion. As I’m all alone in my room, I delve into the dark side and if I’m not careful enough I will end up having a bad mood for the rest of the day. I could just give my friends a call or send them a text but I don’t know… most of the time I don’t feel like it. I wonder if it’s because socializing takes so much of my energy or if it’s because the thought of bothering them with my ranting makes me hesitant. Perhaps it’s the combination of both.

Trying to be aware of when my mind unconsciously takes me to the dark side seems like a daily workout. Like sometimes I’m aware but for whatever reason, I just can’t pull my mind back so it doesn’t stay long in that goddamn corner.

The human brain is such a complex thing and how the mind works will never cease to amaze me. There is so much power that the mind can hold and if only I have more control to lead it on the path that is more beneficial for my own life and even others, that will be amazing. But it needs constant daily exercises.

I wonder when will I reach the point where my mind stops make me feel like shit again and again.

Ever since the pandemic, my stagnant life is somehow taking an interesting turning point. I’m not talking about the “y’all my life is freakin’ awesome” kind of life but how it’s been really mentally challenging.

I talked a bit about it in my previous post but no worries, even tho it’s been quite heavy lately I don’t feel as gloomy as when life was too stagnant or when I’m deprived of most of my freedom. I have the clarity needed to look back at my experiences, be grateful for what seems to be the blessings in disguise, and let go of what seems toxic and unhealthy.

I wouldn’t think I will have the time to read and learn more about philosophy and spirituality if it wasn’t because of the period of rest that I spent back in my hometown. I know, I’m still a beginner. There are so many things I still have yet to learn. The difference is I’m not completely clueless and became more mindful of my thought process. I accept both of my good and bad thoughts with more kindness. I meditate more and finally understand the calm and present one’s could experience in yoga practice. This helps me a lot to survive every day’s mental struggles that come along as part of adulting.

Nevertheless, working on 9 to 5 job is still a tough challenge for my mental strength. I mean, not many people truly love their office work and I’m one of them. Like seriously, if it wasn’t because of the fact that my plans were all ruined thanks to the pandemic, I would try my best to stay away from any kind of 9 to 5 job anytime soon. But my bills (and at that moment my mom’s as well) are not gonna pay themselves by staying at home without monthly income. Well, I did some odd jobs that gave me income but it wasn’t at the amount that I’ll receive from regular jobs.

So yeah, here I am already working for my current company for about 153 days. A food and beverage company, 302 days to go until the end of my contract. As I’m working for my current company, I miss the bonds I had with my colleagues from my previous job. Here is all about work, work, and more work. We merely exist as people doing their jobs and the company have to squeeze us until the last drop for just that much money they pay monthly. Because the work nature is very draining, I really don’t have anyone to talk to at the office. It’s like in everyone’s heads they only think about work. Sometimes I even feel guilty about taking a little break just to rest my eyes and my head that’s starting to hurt. Hence since February, I decided to take my lunch break much later to avoid burnout. I also decided to always go somewhere else because it’s just impossible to get a 100% rest by staying at the office.

It’s really hard and I’m still learning how to not get myself emotionally influenced by this situation. Because most of the time burnout spreads fast and affecting my whole mood when I’m supposed to do stuff that is more in alignment with my dream.

It’s challenging but it’s part of life as a 20-something adult. I can’t be irresponsible by running away. All I can do is to have better self-management so I can dedicate my free time working toward my future goal.

Right now, I’m just gonna give myself a hug and appreciation that I’m doing well and everything will be okay. And to everyone facing the same problem as I am, I believe you guys will be fine. Have strength because no matter how cruel this might sound, you really have your own self as your best motivator and life’s companion. Anyone else even your family, your lover, or your best friend are humans with their own worries and problems so you have to stand for yourself.

Be brave and always be grateful for even the simplest goodness you have in your life. 

For most, there is a phase in life when you feel like you don't really know exactly what on earth are you doing. As if you wasted your time living mindlessly. It's like you live because you have no other choice.

Well, you might try suicide but let's be honest, despite the majority opinion that people morally shouldn't end their own life, I personally think that it's more on the fact that even suicide takes so much brave to do. By no means I’m not advocating anyone for being suicidal but it’s just a matter of fact that not everyone have the balls to deliberately face death.

You've tried to end a bad phase but you couldn't. No matter what attempts, as if there should be something big that happens and affect your whole life to force you to reevaluate your view and perspective. A life-changing moment.

The current COVID-19 pandemic that’s still going on is most likely became that one life-changing moment for so many. Funny to imagine how my clueless self back in 2019 who was in the middle of whining over the fact that she reached her quarter-life might claim that it’s just a mere deception if I somehow could find a way to send her a warning. Since by now everyone has realized that the pandemic is affecting them for better or worse (mainly worse), causing a huge scale loss in many sectors. There might be gains if some are lucky enough but seriously… at what cost?

Yet here I am, still somehow living despite the whole situation. That’s a blessing. Or at least that’s what I’m trying to convince myself.

To tell y’all the truth, last year was one of the shittiests I’ve ever experienced in my whole life. Not as bizarre and as complicated as what I experienced during a certain year in my teenage but it was surely the most emotionally and mentally draining. I mean, I’ve been living my entire life trying to avoid reacting strongly to emotions. I’ve always told myself that I’m a very rational being so words and circumstances can never hurt me. I’ve always told myself that I’m someone independent and I can deal with shit on my own.

Thus when the time when I have to wear my heart on my sleeve finally came, it was too much for me to handle. My plans were mostly ruined and I somehow had to face my old demon. I was facing so many unwanted emotions that I even had to seek professional help—which wasn’t really doing anything other than feeling sluggish from the meds I took.

But I survived, I think I did quite well.

Perhaps it’s because I came to reach the point when I realized that my life is just a series of adjustments.

My dreams and values are ever-changing as I get older. I have to let go of my tendency of over-planning and whatever grandiose ideal that I have in mind for something more present and for a life that is kinder for my heart. Since I’ve been ignoring her for so long and drag her into my chaotic mind, it’s only fair to finally listen to what my heart has to say. And with every adjustment that is happening, it’s also very human to feel all sorts of emotions—including the uncomfortable ones. I have to gently remind myself once again that I’m not alone. No matter how cynical I am with the thought that human relationships are fragile, every encounter is never a coincidence. They’re mean to teach or to help no matter how short or long the connection is made. I mean, there’s absolutely no guarantee if someone who’s always been in my life will spend their last breath by the time they reach 100.

Lastly, I want to remind myself that even with every adjustment I’ve made so far, they never mean to make me feel like I’m a fucking loser. Life is not about winning or losing. Life is meant to learn, to grow, and to enjoy the experiences we make every day. Adjustment is open to any kind of possibility and as long as I’m blessed to live another day, chances are following.

For I’m not worthy to judge whether one is good or bad. Because it might be good for me but it might be bad for others, no one can tell.

I’ll just put myself in someone else’s shoes: if it’s happened to me, how do I feel?

Will it affect me? Will it make me happy? Will it suffocate me?

My empathy might not be the sincerest but I’ll quietly, do it anyway.

I’m done trying to mask the ugly side inside me with smiles and bright words.

As I smiled, my heart ached and I felt lonelier than ever.

Pretty words were merely a shell to hide my pity soul that wishing to die for the umpteenth times.

So I said, “It’s enough.”

I wanna live an honest life even when the honest truth about myself might look like a terrible scar to other people.