For most, there is a phase in life when you feel like you don't really know exactly what on earth are you doing. As if you wasted your time living mindlessly. It's like you live because you have no other choice.

Well, you might try suicide but let's be honest, despite the majority opinion that people morally shouldn't end their own life, I personally think that it's more on the fact that even suicide takes so much brave to do. By no means I’m not advocating anyone for being suicidal but it’s just a matter of fact that not everyone have the balls to deliberately face death.

You've tried to end a bad phase but you couldn't. No matter what attempts, as if there should be something big that happens and affect your whole life to force you to reevaluate your view and perspective. A life-changing moment.

The current COVID-19 pandemic that’s still going on is most likely became that one life-changing moment for so many. Funny to imagine how my clueless self back in 2019 who was in the middle of whining over the fact that she reached her quarter-life might claim that it’s just a mere deception if I somehow could find a way to send her a warning. Since by now everyone has realized that the pandemic is affecting them for better or worse (mainly worse), causing a huge scale loss in many sectors. There might be gains if some are lucky enough but seriously… at what cost?

Yet here I am, still somehow living despite the whole situation. That’s a blessing. Or at least that’s what I’m trying to convince myself.

To tell y’all the truth, last year was one of the shittiests I’ve ever experienced in my whole life. Not as bizarre and as complicated as what I experienced during a certain year in my teenage but it was surely the most emotionally and mentally draining. I mean, I’ve been living my entire life trying to avoid reacting strongly to emotions. I’ve always told myself that I’m a very rational being so words and circumstances can never hurt me. I’ve always told myself that I’m someone independent and I can deal with shit on my own.

Thus when the time when I have to wear my heart on my sleeve finally came, it was too much for me to handle. My plans were mostly ruined and I somehow had to face my old demon. I was facing so many unwanted emotions that I even had to seek professional help—which wasn’t really doing anything other than feeling sluggish from the meds I took.

But I survived, I think I did quite well.

Perhaps it’s because I came to reach the point when I realized that my life is just a series of adjustments.

My dreams and values are ever-changing as I get older. I have to let go of my tendency of over-planning and whatever grandiose ideal that I have in mind for something more present and for a life that is kinder for my heart. Since I’ve been ignoring her for so long and drag her into my chaotic mind, it’s only fair to finally listen to what my heart has to say. And with every adjustment that is happening, it’s also very human to feel all sorts of emotions—including the uncomfortable ones. I have to gently remind myself once again that I’m not alone. No matter how cynical I am with the thought that human relationships are fragile, every encounter is never a coincidence. They’re mean to teach or to help no matter how short or long the connection is made. I mean, there’s absolutely no guarantee if someone who’s always been in my life will spend their last breath by the time they reach 100.

Lastly, I want to remind myself that even with every adjustment I’ve made so far, they never mean to make me feel like I’m a fucking loser. Life is not about winning or losing. Life is meant to learn, to grow, and to enjoy the experiences we make every day. Adjustment is open to any kind of possibility and as long as I’m blessed to live another day, chances are following.