Loneliness sound scary but once you befriended it, its existence become a comfort.

No matter how many friends you have, no matter how warm you family is, no matter how attentive your lover might be, at the end of the day it’s all come back to you. 

One day you’ll wake up to find the crowded surroundings and the chattering of people faded in the background.

All that’s left is the feeling of lonelier than ever. 

You start questioning whether they even understand your real self with the life problems you’ve told them and the likes and dislikes you’ve shared with them. 

Whether your feelings are ever valid for them. 

Being there for other is hard, being compassionate for other is painful, as the one you cherish might not even reciprocate your efforts. 

You're just someone in their current life journey that they could use to advance. 

And as you’re having this thought, in the back of your head, you feel guilty. 

At this point, is your wish to have people to treat you the same way you did to them even sincere? 

See, human relationships are very bothersome. 

Until it's all come back to the realization that at some point, you will always feel lonely, whether rarely or often. 

But me, I decided to befriended the loneliness. 

So, when the loneliness hits, I will face and accept it. 

I find dealing with loneliness is easier that dealing with how many times human disappoints.  

As the collective leave isn’t a thing at my office, my Ied’s holidays this year only last from Saturday to Tuesday. Unlike the previous years when I usually spend it by exploring the quiet Jakarta with friends, this year I spent it with my family and got as much sleep as I want. But four days went by so fast and I have to get back to work in a few hours. I’m already dreading it because my day-offs felt too short yet I knew once I’m back at work the weekend will suddenly come just around the corner.

That’s just how time works. You might think 1 year is long but in actuality, it’s a fleeting moment. What you will experience or currently experience become a memory that might even be forgotten as you get older. The same goes for your dreams, your wishes, your wants, and your desires.

I’m sure there were days when you thought that you want to do something… or maybe as simple as wanting to eat something good. As the outcome, you either just do it and get what you want or you might postpone it… maybe because you feel unsure or reluctant so you don’t feel like doing or getting it anymore. Whether it's the outcome A or B, both will end up as a memory that sooner or later will be forgotten.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how many times I ended up with not getting what I want just because I’m not dedicated enough to pursue it. Sometimes I wonder if perhaps it’s because I might be a pushover; going with what other people think is the best and just accepting, sacrificing my feelings, and getting hurt by myself. As I’m getting closer to my 30s, I’m finally able to appreciate living at a slower pace and find the beauty in a calm and quiet life. Even so, I think maybe it’s okay to do something out of ordinary once in a while. That doesn’t mean I need to do something crazy or extreme. Just something that’s a little bit out of my comfort zone is good enough. I also need to be firmer so I don’t end up being dragged into uncertainty.

As previously said, I want to find a new job so I resigned on 18 February.

So here I am, writing from my new company while waiting for a coworker to send me his file so I can do my report. I’m now living at a new place and I hope life gets better somehow with this new opportunity.

So far my new company is exceeding my expectations. A better workplace compared to my previous experiences. The only problems I have so far are the fact that the people here seem to love to work overtime and there are many papers and documents to handle. The rest is honestly good.

Life's been really great lately and I’m thankful.

Do you ever feel like you don’t want to believe—that you can’t believe?

That you’re afraid to believe.

Because to believe is to allow yourself to be vulnerable, to be hurt, to be brokenhearted, and to be betrayed. Despite the possibility that what awaits from your trust might be happiness, nevertheless, you’re still afraid.

The expectation of said happiness is exactly what makes you tremble. Like what if it’s all in your head? Perhaps you’re just imagining the whole thing. A scenario too good to be true.

You have no assurance to hold onto, which makes it harder to believe. At least even when disappointment can come anytime without notice, when you had the assurance, there was a period when you were at peace since you thought everything was fine. You thought you had the world in the palm of your hand. So you were once content.

But this time, you have no assurance.

You are not special even if you want to believe you are. You are just that person amongst a sea of people in the bustling city. Replaceable once they find someone better despite the impression and experience you’ve shared. You never hear… you never read… you never see… you never get that certainty. So, for the sake of protecting yourself from the possible damage, you decided to not believe.

You look at them and smiled bitterly. You don’t say it but you put an invisible wall. You can see them from afar and you can hear the voice. You can converse back for the sake of courtesy. Still, you know you are not as hopeful as before. Perhaps if they still want to see that glistening sparkles in your eyes, they have to write something on that invisible wall and give you some time to think. Who knows. But If they don’t, it’s honestly fine.

Once that wall’s up, you’d rather not wait around.