For
most, there is a phase in life when you feel like you don't really know exactly
what on earth are you doing. As if you wasted your time living mindlessly. It's
like you live because you have no other choice.
Well,
you might try suicide but let's be honest, despite the majority opinion that
people morally shouldn't end their own life, I personally think that it's more
on the fact that even suicide takes so much brave to do. By no means I’m not
advocating anyone for being suicidal but it’s just a matter of fact that not
everyone have the balls to deliberately face death.
You've
tried to end a bad phase but you couldn't. No matter what attempts, as if there
should be something big that happens and affect your whole life to force you to
reevaluate your view and perspective. A life-changing moment.
The
current COVID-19 pandemic that’s still going on is most likely became that one
life-changing moment for so many. Funny to imagine how my clueless self back in
2019 who was in the middle of whining over the fact that she reached her
quarter-life might claim that it’s just a mere deception if I somehow could
find a way to send her a warning. Since by now everyone has realized that the
pandemic is affecting them for better or worse (mainly worse), causing a huge
scale loss in many sectors. There might be gains if some are lucky enough but
seriously… at what cost?
Yet
here I am, still somehow living despite the whole situation. That’s a blessing.
Or at least that’s what I’m trying to convince myself.
To
tell y’all the truth, last year was one of the shittiests I’ve ever experienced
in my whole life. Not as bizarre and as complicated as what I experienced
during a certain year in my teenage but it was surely the most emotionally and
mentally draining. I mean, I’ve been living my entire life trying to avoid
reacting strongly to emotions. I’ve always told myself that I’m a very rational
being so words and circumstances can never hurt me. I’ve always told myself
that I’m someone independent and I can deal with shit on my own.
Thus
when the time when I have to wear my heart on my sleeve finally came, it was
too much for me to handle. My plans were mostly ruined and I somehow had to
face my old demon. I was facing so many unwanted emotions that I even had to
seek professional help—which wasn’t really doing anything other than feeling
sluggish from the meds I took.
But
I survived, I think I did quite well.
Perhaps
it’s because I came to reach the point when I realized that my life is just a
series of adjustments.
My
dreams and values are ever-changing as I get older. I have to let go of my
tendency of over-planning and whatever grandiose ideal that I have in mind for
something more present and for a life that is kinder for my heart. Since I’ve
been ignoring her for so long and drag her into my chaotic mind, it’s only fair
to finally listen to what my heart has to say. And with every adjustment that
is happening, it’s also very human to feel all sorts of emotions—including the
uncomfortable ones. I have to gently remind myself once again that I’m not
alone. No matter how cynical I am with the thought that human relationships are
fragile, every encounter is never a coincidence. They’re mean to teach or to
help no matter how short or long the connection is made. I mean, there’s
absolutely no guarantee if someone who’s always been in my life will spend
their last breath by the time they reach 100.
Lastly, I want to remind myself that even with every adjustment I’ve made so far, they never mean to make me feel like I’m a fucking loser. Life is not about winning or losing. Life is meant to learn, to grow, and to enjoy the experiences we make every day. Adjustment is open to any kind of possibility and as long as I’m blessed to live another day, chances are following.
Post a Comment