It’s been 2 weeks since I live alone by myself. My dearest senior since my middle school days aka my roommate for the past 6 months just moved to her new house. Finally, she got to live with her mom and I got the solitude that I’ve been longing for.
Things are going well so far. I love the calm and privacy as well as the autonomy I have to decide whatever I want to do with the room.
This is another brand new chapter because I think it’s the very first time I live quite far from my friends. I mean, I once had my own room but my dearest senior was also my co-worker who lived upstairs. We practically spent most of our time together. Now if we want to meet we have to make an appointment. We no longer have the luxury to simply crash in each other doors to get dinner.
Anyway, living alone is still what suits me the best. There are more good things compare to bad things and it’s more in alignment with my introverted personality.
Nonetheless, this solitude got me thinking, like a lot.
I’ve always been an overthinker and it’s crazy when I spend my time alone, my mind suddenly wanders way too far. Most of the time, my mind decides that it will just take me to the dark side. That one corner where I regret and blame myself for what happened in my life. As if that isn’t enough, sometimes my mind takes me even further on the path of pessimism. It leads me to think that I can do nothing about my life and how I will live the rest of my life in mundane and sadness. I think of all of the negative feelings I can imagine. Mostly loneliness and unworthiness, the negative emotions that I’m struggling with on an almost daily basis.
In conclusion, the existential crisis hit harder compared to when I have someone around.
I really don’t want to refer to my friends as distractions yet it’s indeed a fact that with my senior gone, I no longer have a concrete diversion. As I’m all alone in my room, I delve into the dark side and if I’m not careful enough I will end up having a bad mood for the rest of the day. I could just give my friends a call or send them a text but I don’t know… most of the time I don’t feel like it. I wonder if it’s because socializing takes so much of my energy or if it’s because the thought of bothering them with my ranting makes me hesitant. Perhaps it’s the combination of both.
Trying to be aware of when my mind unconsciously takes me to the dark side seems like a daily workout. Like sometimes I’m aware but for whatever reason, I just can’t pull my mind back so it doesn’t stay long in that goddamn corner.
The human brain is such a complex thing and how the mind works will never cease to amaze me. There is so much power that the mind can hold and if only I have more control to lead it on the path that is more beneficial for my own life and even others, that will be amazing. But it needs constant daily exercises.
I wonder when will I reach the point where my mind stops make me feel like shit again and again.
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