Do you ever feel like you don’t want to believe—that you can’t believe?

That you’re afraid to believe.

Because to believe is to allow yourself to be vulnerable, to be hurt, to be brokenhearted, and to be betrayed. Despite the possibility that what awaits from your trust might be happiness, nevertheless, you’re still afraid.

The expectation of said happiness is exactly what makes you tremble. Like what if it’s all in your head? Perhaps you’re just imagining the whole thing. A scenario too good to be true.

You have no assurance to hold onto, which makes it harder to believe. At least even when disappointment can come anytime without notice, when you had the assurance, there was a period when you were at peace since you thought everything was fine. You thought you had the world in the palm of your hand. So you were once content.

But this time, you have no assurance.

You are not special even if you want to believe you are. You are just that person amongst a sea of people in the bustling city. Replaceable once they find someone better despite the impression and experience you’ve shared. You never hear… you never read… you never see… you never get that certainty. So, for the sake of protecting yourself from the possible damage, you decided to not believe.

You look at them and smiled bitterly. You don’t say it but you put an invisible wall. You can see them from afar and you can hear the voice. You can converse back for the sake of courtesy. Still, you know you are not as hopeful as before. Perhaps if they still want to see that glistening sparkles in your eyes, they have to write something on that invisible wall and give you some time to think. Who knows. But If they don’t, it’s honestly fine.

Once that wall’s up, you’d rather not wait around.

For some reason, I’ve been awake since 2 a.m and could no longer sleep. I know I’m going to regret this once I’m at work. Fortunately, I will leave the office early to get ready to spend new year’s eve at my uncle’s. Since I couldn’t go back to sleep anyway and I still have some time left before work, why not write one last post for 2021?

1. What went well this year?

Despite complaining that my work has been overloaded, I noticed professional-wise my skill increased significantly compared to last year. I’m adapting very well to working under such pressure. Later on, I’m getting better at setting my boundaries when I feel like I don’t want to have more on my plate. I’m good at doing work that the others couldn’t do that leaves no option for my boss when I have enough and decline more tasks to do.

Although it was mostly journaling, I wrote more. The fiction that I published finally got recognition and I received some lovely and encouraging messages. That kinda boosts my confidence because I’ve been insecure about whether my writing style will find its audience or not.

I’m starting to pick up on learning Japanese again though lately it’s been on and off as my mind is getting occupied with worries about job seeking.

I have my room and I could finally clean it to make the room feel more spacious and organize it just as I want.

Also, I think I maintain my relationship with friends and family better. I talk to my friends often and I spare some time to call my family or send them messages, making more effort when in the past I didn't even bother. I wish it’ll work the same with my mom someday. I even gained a… special friend (?), and he’s been such an important and calming present that helps me stay sane while juggling both work and personal life.

Lastly, this December I decided to give therapy another chance. The result is not immediate, as I have only just begun. But it seems after the session I have thoughts and questions to ponder for the next few days so I guess that was a good sign. I already scheduled another appointment for next month. 

2. What didn’t go so well this year?

I never experienced burnout as awful as this year. There were days when I felt so drained and exhausted and I had to withdraw from any form of socializing just to take a long sleep. Before I asked my boss to change my working schedule from 7 a.m to 4.30 p.m, I had to follow the official schedule and start work at 8. Yet strangely I always came late almost every day. The thought of going to work was depressing and waking up from bed was such a struggle. Now that I have to start earlier, I became more punctual as I have an hour uninterrupted and I can go home when the sun is still up.

On the social side, I met someone that I thought was very nice but turned out to be a walking red flag. I thought I liked them but despite our interesting convos, there are days when they made me feel uncomfortable and even disturbed. Good thing I cut them off fast.

Despite my writing finally getting recognition, the second half of 2021 was mostly me having writer’s block and couldn’t do any creative writing. I used most of my writing times for journaling and swept the novel project under the rug. 

Also, I didn’t do yoga and didn’t meditate as much as last year. I read and watch less philosophy and prefer an easier watch like J-drama or Netflix. This year I was not as mindful as before.

3. What did I learn this year?

Multitasking. I know by nature, women are better at multitasking than men. But my level of multitasking was not as evolved as this year. Still, I would prefer to focus on one task before jumping to another one unless the situation wouldn’t allow me to do that.

Work moderately. I worked so hard in the first half of 2021 and the burnout came fast. Added with realizations that I displeased with the fact that some of the company’s rules are unfair for the employees, the more I have to spend my time at work, the more I resent my company and that feeling slowly turns into hatred. I learned that I have to work moderately for the sake of my mental and physical health. I don’t live for my company and the gives and takes are not equal. So why should I work too hard just because I don’t want to make my boss or my colleagues feel upset? Although I admit sometimes I still feel so guilty for working at a slower pace.

You are precious in your way so don’t stress on superficial things. Outwardly, I don’t seem like a girl who cares much about what people think of me, how my life looks or how far I am currently in life compared to most people at the same age as mine. But I did… I had a self-esteem issue and sometimes I hate how I feel like I don’t accomplish much. I’ve been trying my best to practice being grateful for a long time but only recently have I’m more accepting and gentler with myself. “Are you sure you’re being grateful because you are indeed grateful or are you just giving up on improving your situation?” That was a question I got when I told someone that I’m learning to be more grateful. As much as I don’t want to admit it, it was quite hurtful when my genuine effort to be grateful is somehow being judged as a weak mindset. Now I don’t care. My walk of life might not be ideal but as I understand that people have different purposes and values in life, I think I’m doing just fine and my gratefulness is my way to grounding myself for the sake of my well-being.

To summarize, this year was an interesting short chapter in my life—short because I can tell that I’m going to start a brand new one soon. The chapter was starting from last year when I was impulsively taking any chance I could to leave my hometown, landed a job that didn’t end well, and finally stayed at my current job. For 2021 in particular, the word that depicts the year the most was ‘Starting Over’. I’ve learned new things from my workplace and the people in my life while reevaluating some old beliefs and knowledge.

May 2022 be a much better year for all of us.

It’s been 2 weeks since I live alone by myself. My dearest senior since my middle school days aka my roommate for the past 6 months just moved to her new house. Finally, she got to live with her mom and I got the solitude that I’ve been longing for.

Things are going well so far. I love the calm and privacy as well as the autonomy I have to decide whatever I want to do with the room. 

This is another brand new chapter because I think it’s the very first time I live quite far from my friends. I mean, I once had my own room but my dearest senior was also my co-worker who lived upstairs. We practically spent most of our time together. Now if we want to meet we have to make an appointment. We no longer have the luxury to simply crash in each other doors to get dinner.

Anyway, living alone is still what suits me the best. There are more good things compare to bad things and it’s more in alignment with my introverted personality.

Nonetheless, this solitude got me thinking, like a lot.

I’ve always been an overthinker and it’s crazy when I spend my time alone, my mind suddenly wanders way too far. Most of the time, my mind decides that it will just take me to the dark side. That one corner where I regret and blame myself for what happened in my life. As if that isn’t enough, sometimes my mind takes me even further on the path of pessimism. It leads me to think that I can do nothing about my life and how I will live the rest of my life in mundane and sadness. I think of all of the negative feelings I can imagine. Mostly loneliness and unworthiness, the negative emotions that I’m struggling with on an almost daily basis.

In conclusion, the existential crisis hit harder compared to when I have someone around. 

I really don’t want to refer to my friends as distractions yet it’s indeed a fact that with my senior gone, I no longer have a concrete diversion. As I’m all alone in my room, I delve into the dark side and if I’m not careful enough I will end up having a bad mood for the rest of the day. I could just give my friends a call or send them a text but I don’t know… most of the time I don’t feel like it. I wonder if it’s because socializing takes so much of my energy or if it’s because the thought of bothering them with my ranting makes me hesitant. Perhaps it’s the combination of both.

Trying to be aware of when my mind unconsciously takes me to the dark side seems like a daily workout. Like sometimes I’m aware but for whatever reason, I just can’t pull my mind back so it doesn’t stay long in that goddamn corner.

The human brain is such a complex thing and how the mind works will never cease to amaze me. There is so much power that the mind can hold and if only I have more control to lead it on the path that is more beneficial for my own life and even others, that will be amazing. But it needs constant daily exercises.

I wonder when will I reach the point where my mind stops make me feel like shit again and again.