It’s been 2 weeks since I live alone by myself. My dearest senior since my middle school days aka my roommate for the past 6 months just moved to her new house. Finally, she got to live with her mom and I got the solitude that I’ve been longing for.

Things are going well so far. I love the calm and privacy as well as the autonomy I have to decide whatever I want to do with the room. 

This is another brand new chapter because I think it’s the very first time I live quite far from my friends. I mean, I once had my own room but my dearest senior was also my co-worker who lived upstairs. We practically spent most of our time together. Now if we want to meet we have to make an appointment. We no longer have the luxury to simply crash in each other doors to get dinner.

Anyway, living alone is still what suits me the best. There are more good things compare to bad things and it’s more in alignment with my introverted personality.

Nonetheless, this solitude got me thinking, like a lot.

I’ve always been an overthinker and it’s crazy when I spend my time alone, my mind suddenly wanders way too far. Most of the time, my mind decides that it will just take me to the dark side. That one corner where I regret and blame myself for what happened in my life. As if that isn’t enough, sometimes my mind takes me even further on the path of pessimism. It leads me to think that I can do nothing about my life and how I will live the rest of my life in mundane and sadness. I think of all of the negative feelings I can imagine. Mostly loneliness and unworthiness, the negative emotions that I’m struggling with on an almost daily basis.

In conclusion, the existential crisis hit harder compared to when I have someone around. 

I really don’t want to refer to my friends as distractions yet it’s indeed a fact that with my senior gone, I no longer have a concrete diversion. As I’m all alone in my room, I delve into the dark side and if I’m not careful enough I will end up having a bad mood for the rest of the day. I could just give my friends a call or send them a text but I don’t know… most of the time I don’t feel like it. I wonder if it’s because socializing takes so much of my energy or if it’s because the thought of bothering them with my ranting makes me hesitant. Perhaps it’s the combination of both.

Trying to be aware of when my mind unconsciously takes me to the dark side seems like a daily workout. Like sometimes I’m aware but for whatever reason, I just can’t pull my mind back so it doesn’t stay long in that goddamn corner.

The human brain is such a complex thing and how the mind works will never cease to amaze me. There is so much power that the mind can hold and if only I have more control to lead it on the path that is more beneficial for my own life and even others, that will be amazing. But it needs constant daily exercises.

I wonder when will I reach the point where my mind stops make me feel like shit again and again.

Ever since the pandemic, my stagnant life is somehow taking an interesting turning point. I’m not talking about the “y’all my life is freakin’ awesome” kind of life but how it’s been really mentally challenging.

I talked a bit about it in my previous post but no worries, even tho it’s been quite heavy lately I don’t feel as gloomy as when life was too stagnant or when I’m deprived of most of my freedom. I have the clarity needed to look back at my experiences, be grateful for what seems to be the blessings in disguise, and let go of what seems toxic and unhealthy.

I wouldn’t think I will have the time to read and learn more about philosophy and spirituality if it wasn’t because of the period of rest that I spent back in my hometown. I know, I’m still a beginner. There are so many things I still have yet to learn. The difference is I’m not completely clueless and became more mindful of my thought process. I accept both of my good and bad thoughts with more kindness. I meditate more and finally understand the calm and present one’s could experience in yoga practice. This helps me a lot to survive every day’s mental struggles that come along as part of adulting.

Nevertheless, working on 9 to 5 job is still a tough challenge for my mental strength. I mean, not many people truly love their office work and I’m one of them. Like seriously, if it wasn’t because of the fact that my plans were all ruined thanks to the pandemic, I would try my best to stay away from any kind of 9 to 5 job anytime soon. But my bills (and at that moment my mom’s as well) are not gonna pay themselves by staying at home without monthly income. Well, I did some odd jobs that gave me income but it wasn’t at the amount that I’ll receive from regular jobs.

So yeah, here I am already working for my current company for about 153 days. A food and beverage company, 302 days to go until the end of my contract. As I’m working for my current company, I miss the bonds I had with my colleagues from my previous job. Here is all about work, work, and more work. We merely exist as people doing their jobs and the company have to squeeze us until the last drop for just that much money they pay monthly. Because the work nature is very draining, I really don’t have anyone to talk to at the office. It’s like in everyone’s heads they only think about work. Sometimes I even feel guilty about taking a little break just to rest my eyes and my head that’s starting to hurt. Hence since February, I decided to take my lunch break much later to avoid burnout. I also decided to always go somewhere else because it’s just impossible to get a 100% rest by staying at the office.

It’s really hard and I’m still learning how to not get myself emotionally influenced by this situation. Because most of the time burnout spreads fast and affecting my whole mood when I’m supposed to do stuff that is more in alignment with my dream.

It’s challenging but it’s part of life as a 20-something adult. I can’t be irresponsible by running away. All I can do is to have better self-management so I can dedicate my free time working toward my future goal.

Right now, I’m just gonna give myself a hug and appreciation that I’m doing well and everything will be okay. And to everyone facing the same problem as I am, I believe you guys will be fine. Have strength because no matter how cruel this might sound, you really have your own self as your best motivator and life’s companion. Anyone else even your family, your lover, or your best friend are humans with their own worries and problems so you have to stand for yourself.

Be brave and always be grateful for even the simplest goodness you have in your life. 

For most, there is a phase in life when you feel like you don't really know exactly what on earth are you doing. As if you wasted your time living mindlessly. It's like you live because you have no other choice.

Well, you might try suicide but let's be honest, despite the majority opinion that people morally shouldn't end their own life, I personally think that it's more on the fact that even suicide takes so much brave to do. By no means I’m not advocating anyone for being suicidal but it’s just a matter of fact that not everyone have the balls to deliberately face death.

You've tried to end a bad phase but you couldn't. No matter what attempts, as if there should be something big that happens and affect your whole life to force you to reevaluate your view and perspective. A life-changing moment.

The current COVID-19 pandemic that’s still going on is most likely became that one life-changing moment for so many. Funny to imagine how my clueless self back in 2019 who was in the middle of whining over the fact that she reached her quarter-life might claim that it’s just a mere deception if I somehow could find a way to send her a warning. Since by now everyone has realized that the pandemic is affecting them for better or worse (mainly worse), causing a huge scale loss in many sectors. There might be gains if some are lucky enough but seriously… at what cost?

Yet here I am, still somehow living despite the whole situation. That’s a blessing. Or at least that’s what I’m trying to convince myself.

To tell y’all the truth, last year was one of the shittiests I’ve ever experienced in my whole life. Not as bizarre and as complicated as what I experienced during a certain year in my teenage but it was surely the most emotionally and mentally draining. I mean, I’ve been living my entire life trying to avoid reacting strongly to emotions. I’ve always told myself that I’m a very rational being so words and circumstances can never hurt me. I’ve always told myself that I’m someone independent and I can deal with shit on my own.

Thus when the time when I have to wear my heart on my sleeve finally came, it was too much for me to handle. My plans were mostly ruined and I somehow had to face my old demon. I was facing so many unwanted emotions that I even had to seek professional help—which wasn’t really doing anything other than feeling sluggish from the meds I took.

But I survived, I think I did quite well.

Perhaps it’s because I came to reach the point when I realized that my life is just a series of adjustments.

My dreams and values are ever-changing as I get older. I have to let go of my tendency of over-planning and whatever grandiose ideal that I have in mind for something more present and for a life that is kinder for my heart. Since I’ve been ignoring her for so long and drag her into my chaotic mind, it’s only fair to finally listen to what my heart has to say. And with every adjustment that is happening, it’s also very human to feel all sorts of emotions—including the uncomfortable ones. I have to gently remind myself once again that I’m not alone. No matter how cynical I am with the thought that human relationships are fragile, every encounter is never a coincidence. They’re mean to teach or to help no matter how short or long the connection is made. I mean, there’s absolutely no guarantee if someone who’s always been in my life will spend their last breath by the time they reach 100.

Lastly, I want to remind myself that even with every adjustment I’ve made so far, they never mean to make me feel like I’m a fucking loser. Life is not about winning or losing. Life is meant to learn, to grow, and to enjoy the experiences we make every day. Adjustment is open to any kind of possibility and as long as I’m blessed to live another day, chances are following.

For I’m not worthy to judge whether one is good or bad. Because it might be good for me but it might be bad for others, no one can tell.

I’ll just put myself in someone else’s shoes: if it’s happened to me, how do I feel?

Will it affect me? Will it make me happy? Will it suffocate me?

My empathy might not be the sincerest but I’ll quietly, do it anyway.

I’m done trying to mask the ugly side inside me with smiles and bright words.

As I smiled, my heart ached and I felt lonelier than ever.

Pretty words were merely a shell to hide my pity soul that wishing to die for the umpteenth times.

So I said, “It’s enough.”

I wanna live an honest life even when the honest truth about myself might look like a terrible scar to other people.