Today, I’m officially hit the 30.

A few years ago, I was dreading the fact that I soon would turn into a full-fledged actual adult. What have I done with my life? Other than my corporate life, I have nothing else. Even though I make my own money, I couldn’t enjoy them. Whenever I have spare money in the bank account, things come up and I would receive more and more bills to pay.

Love life? Don’t ask me. I already accepted that in this life, I’m just that person who isn’t blessed with a smooth romantic life. I thought all the time that my love life would make more sense if I were a lesbian. Unfortunately, I’m pretty much straight. I love women but my love for women is only at the level of admiration. It was never sexual, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that I could be attracted to women in that way too.

My only aspiration that still lives rent-free in the back of my mind? I don’t have the motivation to write. I was pretty much burned out from my corporate job to have a clear and creative mind to finish my novel. Lately, I’m somehow trying to pick up the pen once more because the universe finally let me have an easy job.

Anyway, when people say that life begins at 30, I guess I’m also that one case.

I still remember vividly when I just entered my 20s. I was burning with ambitions to change my life. Growing up in a difficult childhood, I naively thought that I had what it takes to live a better life and soon my life would start to make sense once I graduated from the university and found a job. Unfortunately, things didn’t go that way. In fact, besides having to heal my inner child, corporate life is so draining and depressing, and I have additional costs to pay that still feel overwhelming even to this day. I couldn’t relax and I sometimes succumbed to obsessive and unhealthy behavior as a result.

Now that I just entered my 30s, I somehow feel a lot calmer and more secure. No more ambitions but I do still keep the aspiration in me alive. I treat it as a legacy that I would hopefully leave behind someday. Also, it’s a bit depressing but the thought of the death of the people who are in my life sometimes looms. I think about how important it is to spend some time with people in my life from time to time. Not intensely (coz I also have to maintain my energy for work), but make sure to check on them from time to time. To forgive people and to shrug off some hurtful shits other people did toward me in the past. My opinion on people now going as simple as to 'vibe' or 'not vibe'.

Maybe I’m just lucky, but it seems the universe favors me nicely as I enter my 30s.

I’m grateful that my current job is much and much better than before. And I’m not saying this in the 'no matter what happened, always look on the positive side' kind of brainwashed mind like what I always do if I’m being honest. I joined my current company with fewer expectations, but to this day my boss’ wise and nice way of treating his employees makes me feel like what I experience is not freakin' real. For example, when I finished my probation, I didn’t expect that my boss would increase my salary that much. Because even if he didn’t have to, I already got a better amount that allowed me to rent a nice place with a cool view and splurge a bit. My workload has drastically decreased (there are more days when I’m not even sure what I have to do to spend my time at work) and I even got my very own room. No more open spaces with no privacy, yay!

I got the feeling the good thing that has been happening to me is just the beginning. As I entered my 30s, I would focus on living healthier and making my aspiration come true one day. Maybeee, someone special would come along the way but to be honest, I’m pretty much satisfied with how secure my life is at the moment.

Hello, it’s been a while.

This post will be a short update and a reflection on the last two years.

As I previously mentioned, I have a new job and will complete my second year of working here this month. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), there will be no third year because I resigned and will start a new job in two weeks.

I didn’t have any desire to write in any form. Either creative work or just personal journaling. In the last two years, I have been living very slowly—except during my 9 to 5—with no particular worry about being lonely. Perhaps because in fact, I found some of the nicest co-workers ever despite some office drama that happened. I loved the atmosphere, I was comfortable with most of the people. The employee package was the best I’ve ever got during my seven years of career. Most of the time I got no complaints and simply lived my quiet office worker’s life.

In the last two years also the period when I was the most aromantic in my entire life. No desire to find someone. Not having any crush. Not trying to get close to anyone. Like I’m currently super comfortable with the thought of being alone. Well, it was also because as I met many kinds of people in the office, many conversations and some events brought me to the conclusion that being straight and having a man as a romantic partner is mostly a waste of time and disadvantageous for women. Like if I want to feel some romance, I could just seek fiction and get my dose of butterflies there.

I did give a guy a chance during the middle of the year 2022. But let’s say I was super disconnected. Even tho he was nice and somehow gave his effort, I kept finding reasons why trying things with me would be a bad idea. Eventually, he gave up after I pulled out my ‘trump card’ aka religion, and my mom. No regrets at all. Now that I think about it, if I look back his effort was literally the bare minimum and I would end up returning the favor twice than what he gave.

Enough talk about that, let’s get to the point of why I decided to resign.

As expected from life, sooner or later there will be change. Sadly, this time, it wasn’t the change that I was able to endure any longer. I was hurt.

By the end of June 2023, a new manager came. My new manager. I wouldn’t expect one person to drastically change the whole atmosphere. I’m no stranger to working hard. My previous companies were the reason why I was so grateful for what I’ve been receiving here. At first, I tried to accommodate his demanding tasks. At some point, he trusted me and began to give me more tasks and I’m starting to get burned out. That and the way he treats us like we’re his servants or something got me even more fed up with the situation.

December 2023 was probably the most exhausting month I’ve ever experienced in my last two years. It seems everything that happened was to lead me to the point where I was determined to find a new job. That one morning, my manager was angry about something trivial. So angry he even took three times to lash his anger on me and dragged the other co-workers to receive his scoldings. When he said something along the lines that ‘my job is unimportant’ and ‘if I quit today he will find someone to replace me in a week or two’, I was hurt. I mean, I didn’t expect him to compliment me but I wouldn’t want my boss to say something as insensitive as that. Especially since I’ve always tried to fulfill his exhausting tasks and put my to-do list aside.

I thought enough was enough. If I don’t leave now I will be the one left out because the other co-workers also planning to resign. It’s not like the situation will get any better. No more pleasant atmosphere as my manager kept hiring new people while the company was at its highest turnover rate. It wasn’t only me who thought that the company somehow changing for the worse. So much toxicity going on that I thought if I’m going to get overworked may as well find a new job that will pay me better. I may gamble for a better situation where I don’t get someone insensitive as a leader.

Back to the present, here I am counting the hours to my last day tomorrow. I also have to prepare to move out to a new place closer.

I’m not sure what to expect in my new job. Not gonna lie, I’m quite anxious because, unlike the previous situation, I’m literally throwing away a full-time job with all of its benefits. My new job is full of possibilities— I’m saying this as a matter of fact. I will be the first HR in my new company which means so many things to build from zero.

I could only wish for the best.

Staying hopeful. Staying strong.

Loneliness sound scary but once you befriended it, its existence become a comfort.

No matter how many friends you have, no matter how warm you family is, no matter how attentive your lover might be, at the end of the day it’s all come back to you. 

One day you’ll wake up to find the crowded surroundings and the chattering of people faded in the background.

All that’s left is the feeling of lonelier than ever. 

You start questioning whether they even understand your real self with the life problems you’ve told them and the likes and dislikes you’ve shared with them. 

Whether your feelings are ever valid for them. 

Being there for other is hard, being compassionate for other is painful, as the one you cherish might not even reciprocate your efforts. 

You're just someone in their current life journey that they could use to advance. 

And as you’re having this thought, in the back of your head, you feel guilty. 

At this point, is your wish to have people to treat you the same way you did to them even sincere? 

See, human relationships are very bothersome. 

Until it's all come back to the realization that at some point, you will always feel lonely, whether rarely or often. 

But me, I decided to befriended the loneliness. 

So, when the loneliness hits, I will face and accept it. 

I find dealing with loneliness is easier that dealing with how many times human disappoints.  

As the collective leave isn’t a thing at my office, my Ied’s holidays this year only last from Saturday to Tuesday. Unlike the previous years when I usually spend it by exploring the quiet Jakarta with friends, this year I spent it with my family and got as much sleep as I want. But four days went by so fast and I have to get back to work in a few hours. I’m already dreading it because my day-offs felt too short yet I knew once I’m back at work the weekend will suddenly come just around the corner.

That’s just how time works. You might think 1 year is long but in actuality, it’s a fleeting moment. What you will experience or currently experience become a memory that might even be forgotten as you get older. The same goes for your dreams, your wishes, your wants, and your desires.

I’m sure there were days when you thought that you want to do something… or maybe as simple as wanting to eat something good. As the outcome, you either just do it and get what you want or you might postpone it… maybe because you feel unsure or reluctant so you don’t feel like doing or getting it anymore. Whether it's the outcome A or B, both will end up as a memory that sooner or later will be forgotten.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how many times I ended up with not getting what I want just because I’m not dedicated enough to pursue it. Sometimes I wonder if perhaps it’s because I might be a pushover; going with what other people think is the best and just accepting, sacrificing my feelings, and getting hurt by myself. As I’m getting closer to my 30s, I’m finally able to appreciate living at a slower pace and find the beauty in a calm and quiet life. Even so, I think maybe it’s okay to do something out of ordinary once in a while. That doesn’t mean I need to do something crazy or extreme. Just something that’s a little bit out of my comfort zone is good enough. I also need to be firmer so I don’t end up being dragged into uncertainty.

As previously said, I want to find a new job so I resigned on 18 February.

So here I am, writing from my new company while waiting for a coworker to send me his file so I can do my report. I’m now living at a new place and I hope life gets better somehow with this new opportunity.

So far my new company is exceeding my expectations. A better workplace compared to my previous experiences. The only problems I have so far are the fact that the people here seem to love to work overtime and there are many papers and documents to handle. The rest is honestly good.

Life's been really great lately and I’m thankful.