Thursday, December 28, 2017

They said failure supposed to hurt



I got bad news three days prior to 2018.

My only hope at the moment to feel again that sparks of excitement that used to color my youthful self. My current every day’s daydream. They are broken to pieces.

I failed. So bad, I failed miserably.

As the information sunk in I strangely didn’t feel that sad about it. I was shocked, but I didn't feel hurt and I still am now. I let out a bitter laugh, wondering why life is being cruel to me once again while at the same time wondering why I don’t feel sad when I’m clearly disappointed.

Maybe I’m so used to failure that I am indifference about yet another failure.

Normally I’ll cry for at least an hour before I’ll get myself back and move on. This time I don’t shed a single tear when I failed on probably the most life-changing experience that might happen in my life if I could succeed it. Especially when I put a lot of time, money and efforts just for this dream.

Well, it’s a weird kind of feeling, to be honest. I wonder if I have to blame my recent addiction toward stoicism hence I react this way.

My heart feels numb. Does this somehow radical acceptance usually feels like this? But I guess, as long as I don’t cry and I don’t make people feel pity for me, I’m all good.

I’ll just soak in this feeling for a while.

Monday, December 11, 2017

Alter ego

With everything that happened during a year since I left my hometown, I became more skeptical about everything and everyone.

My past, even though it wasn’t perfect, was somehow too good to be true: in a sense of how I did stuff that I love and made me feel alive. Every night I was looking forward to tomorrow. Well, maybe I wasn’t when I had deadlines for my exams or assignments.

Nowadays, I’m living the days by telling a narrative of how I hate myself and everything’s that happening in my life. I might have money from my job, but I’m scared of a lot of things. There isn’t anything in particular that can make me feel alive at the moment.

I became a pessimist.

On a whim, I deleted and achieved most of my posts during my university days. I even made another blog just because I can’t see myself make depressing posts after previous positive writings. Now, I feel kinda stupid because I did that.

So I’m trying to accept that my past is also part of the current me. I might become gloomier compared to before, but let’s say that I’ll just gonna embrace that part of me as well.

And maybe, heal myself little by little.

P.S
But I’m glad that I write something before 2017 ends.

Saturday, September 2, 2017

Music Recommendation (August 2017)

The War on Drugs – A Deeper Understanding

 


Somebody should really tell me how to quit this album. I never listen to The War on Drugs before but this album seriously makes me want to explore their discography. Well, at least after I’m done with this one. How the music is pretty much influenced by the 80s and how old-school yet modern this album sounds are my top reasons why A Deeper Understanding won me over. I think I gotta give Strangest Thingmy favorite number—another spin right now.


ZOMBIE CHANG – WE SHOULD KISS

 


I’m gonna be honest: I’ve heard better than this from her. But still, this one is still a hella catchy tune and she looks so fabulous in the promotional videoas expected from the currently coolest girl in the Japanese music scene. Coincidentally I listened to some Mitch Murder before WE SHOULD KISS dropped and somehow it kinda reminds me of the latter but in a quirkier and cooler way.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Music Recommendation (July 2017)

 Keyakizaka46 – Masshiro na Mono wa Yogoshitaku Naru



I once listened to their solid debut single, Silent Majority, and was impressed. Despite that, I never really try to keep track of them as I’m really tired of anything that has to do with 48/46 groups. Silent Majority was one-time greatness, as I thought. But wow was I wrong. Sekai ni wa Aishikanai, Futari Saison (particularly this one), and Fukyowaon proved me wrong, even some of their coupling songs.
 
Masshiro na Mono wa Yogoshitaku Naru served as a decent first album. It's too lengthy for my liking, but still worth listening to as you can find gems here and there. They undoubtedly have the nicest vocals and best harmonization compare to their sister groups with edgier, cooler and darker lyrics—if those things sound appealing to you.


 Lana Del Rey – Lust For Life
 


This is probably her happiest record to date. And by happiest, it either means good or bad. It’s nice to see Lana exploring things she hasn’t done before but as for me personally, it was her dark works that captivated me in the first place. Nevertheless, Lana’s kind of happy still has this tinge of sadness in it, like 13 Beaches. At first, I thought this album rings a bell to Born to Die but the more I listen to it, the more I get this feeling that Lust for Life’s actually summarised her previous works but with a bigger theme. I do think some of the tracks are quite boring, maybe because it's too long, but overall it was a pleasant experience.

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