Today, I’m officially hit the 30.

A few years ago, I was dreading the fact that I soon would turn into a full-fledged actual adult. What have I done with my life? Other than my corporate life, I have nothing else. Even though I make my own money, I couldn’t enjoy them. Whenever I have spare money in the bank account, things come up and I would receive more and more bills to pay.

Love life? Don’t ask me. I already accepted that in this life, I’m just that person who isn’t blessed with a smooth romantic life. I thought all the time that my love life would make more sense if I were a lesbian. Unfortunately, I’m pretty much straight. I love women but my love for women is only at the level of admiration. It was never sexual, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that I could be attracted to women in that way too.

My only aspiration that still lives rent-free in the back of my mind? I don’t have the motivation to write. I was pretty much burned out from my corporate job to have a clear and creative mind to finish my novel. Lately, I’m somehow trying to pick up the pen once more because the universe finally let me have an easy job.

Anyway, when people say that life begins at 30, I guess I’m also that one case.

I still remember vividly when I just entered my 20s. I was burning with ambitions to change my life. Growing up in a difficult childhood, I naively thought that I had what it takes to live a better life and soon my life would start to make sense once I graduated from the university and found a job. Unfortunately, things didn’t go that way. In fact, besides having to heal my inner child, corporate life is so draining and depressing, and I have additional costs to pay that still feel overwhelming even to this day. I couldn’t relax and I sometimes succumbed to obsessive and unhealthy behavior as a result.

Now that I just entered my 30s, I somehow feel a lot calmer and more secure. No more ambitions but I do still keep the aspiration in me alive. I treat it as a legacy that I would hopefully leave behind someday. Also, it’s a bit depressing but the thought of the death of the people who are in my life sometimes looms. I think about how important it is to spend some time with people in my life from time to time. Not intensely (coz I also have to maintain my energy for work), but make sure to check on them from time to time. To forgive people and to shrug off some hurtful shits other people did toward me in the past. My opinion on people now going as simple as to 'vibe' or 'not vibe'.

Maybe I’m just lucky, but it seems the universe favors me nicely as I enter my 30s.

I’m grateful that my current job is much and much better than before. And I’m not saying this in the 'no matter what happened, always look on the positive side' kind of brainwashed mind like what I always do if I’m being honest. I joined my current company with fewer expectations, but to this day my boss’ wise and nice way of treating his employees makes me feel like what I experience is not freakin' real. For example, when I finished my probation, I didn’t expect that my boss would increase my salary that much. Because even if he didn’t have to, I already got a better amount that allowed me to rent a nice place with a cool view and splurge a bit. My workload has drastically decreased (there are more days when I’m not even sure what I have to do to spend my time at work) and I even got my very own room. No more open spaces with no privacy, yay!

I got the feeling the good thing that has been happening to me is just the beginning. As I entered my 30s, I would focus on living healthier and making my aspiration come true one day. Maybeee, someone special would come along the way but to be honest, I’m pretty much satisfied with how secure my life is at the moment.