Today, I’m officially hit the 30.

A few years ago, I was dreading the fact that I soon would turn into a full-fledged actual adult. What have I done with my life? Other than my corporate life, I have nothing else. Even though I make my own money, I couldn’t enjoy them. Whenever I have spare money in the bank account, things come up and I would receive more and more bills to pay.

Love life? Don’t ask me. I already accepted that in this life, I’m just that person who isn’t blessed with a smooth romantic life. I thought all the time that my love life would make more sense if I were a lesbian. Unfortunately, I’m pretty much straight. I love women but my love for women is only at the level of admiration. It was never sexual, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that I could be attracted to women in that way too.

My only aspiration that still lives rent-free in the back of my mind? I don’t have the motivation to write. I was pretty much burned out from my corporate job to have a clear and creative mind to finish my novel. Lately, I’m somehow trying to pick up the pen once more because the universe finally let me have an easy job.

Anyway, when people say that life begins at 30, I guess I’m also that one case.

I still remember vividly when I just entered my 20s. I was burning with ambitions to change my life. Growing up in a difficult childhood, I naively thought that I had what it takes to live a better life and soon my life would start to make sense once I graduated from the university and found a job. Unfortunately, things didn’t go that way. In fact, besides having to heal my inner child, corporate life is so draining and depressing, and I have additional costs to pay that still feel overwhelming even to this day. I couldn’t relax and I sometimes succumbed to obsessive and unhealthy behavior as a result.

Now that I just entered my 30s, I somehow feel a lot calmer and more secure. No more ambitions but I do still keep the aspiration in me alive. I treat it as a legacy that I would hopefully leave behind someday. Also, it’s a bit depressing but the thought of the death of the people who are in my life sometimes looms. I think about how important it is to spend some time with people in my life from time to time. Not intensely (coz I also have to maintain my energy for work), but make sure to check on them from time to time. To forgive people and to shrug off some hurtful shits other people did toward me in the past. My opinion on people now going as simple as to 'vibe' or 'not vibe'.

Maybe I’m just lucky, but it seems the universe favors me nicely as I enter my 30s.

I’m grateful that my current job is much and much better than before. And I’m not saying this in the 'no matter what happened, always look on the positive side' kind of brainwashed mind like what I always do if I’m being honest. I joined my current company with fewer expectations, but to this day my boss’ wise and nice way of treating his employees makes me feel like what I experience is not freakin' real. For example, when I finished my probation, I didn’t expect that my boss would increase my salary that much. Because even if he didn’t have to, I already got a better amount that allowed me to rent a nice place with a cool view and splurge a bit. My workload has drastically decreased (there are more days when I’m not even sure what I have to do to spend my time at work) and I even got my very own room. No more open spaces with no privacy, yay!

I got the feeling the good thing that has been happening to me is just the beginning. As I entered my 30s, I would focus on living healthier and making my aspiration come true one day. Maybeee, someone special would come along the way but to be honest, I’m pretty much satisfied with how secure my life is at the moment.

Hello, it’s been a while.

This post will be a short update and a reflection on the last two years.

As I previously mentioned, I have a new job and will complete my second year of working here this month. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), there will be no third year because I resigned and will start a new job in two weeks.

I didn’t have any desire to write in any form. Either creative work or just personal journaling. In the last two years, I have been living very slowly—except during my 9 to 5—with no particular worry about being lonely. Perhaps because in fact, I found some of the nicest co-workers ever despite some office drama that happened. I loved the atmosphere, I was comfortable with most of the people. The employee package was the best I’ve ever got during my seven years of career. Most of the time I got no complaints and simply lived my quiet office worker’s life.

In the last two years also the period when I was the most aromantic in my entire life. No desire to find someone. Not having any crush. Not trying to get close to anyone. Like I’m currently super comfortable with the thought of being alone. Well, it was also because as I met many kinds of people in the office, many conversations and some events brought me to the conclusion that being straight and having a man as a romantic partner is mostly a waste of time and disadvantageous for women. Like if I want to feel some romance, I could just seek fiction and get my dose of butterflies there.

I did give a guy a chance during the middle of the year 2022. But let’s say I was super disconnected. Even tho he was nice and somehow gave his effort, I kept finding reasons why trying things with me would be a bad idea. Eventually, he gave up after I pulled out my ‘trump card’ aka religion, and my mom. No regrets at all. Now that I think about it, if I look back his effort was literally the bare minimum and I would end up returning the favor twice than what he gave.

Enough talk about that, let’s get to the point of why I decided to resign.

As expected from life, sooner or later there will be change. Sadly, this time, it wasn’t the change that I was able to endure any longer. I was hurt.

By the end of June 2023, a new manager came. My new manager. I wouldn’t expect one person to drastically change the whole atmosphere. I’m no stranger to working hard. My previous companies were the reason why I was so grateful for what I’ve been receiving here. At first, I tried to accommodate his demanding tasks. At some point, he trusted me and began to give me more tasks and I’m starting to get burned out. That and the way he treats us like we’re his servants or something got me even more fed up with the situation.

December 2023 was probably the most exhausting month I’ve ever experienced in my last two years. It seems everything that happened was to lead me to the point where I was determined to find a new job. That one morning, my manager was angry about something trivial. So angry he even took three times to lash his anger on me and dragged the other co-workers to receive his scoldings. When he said something along the lines that ‘my job is unimportant’ and ‘if I quit today he will find someone to replace me in a week or two’, I was hurt. I mean, I didn’t expect him to compliment me but I wouldn’t want my boss to say something as insensitive as that. Especially since I’ve always tried to fulfill his exhausting tasks and put my to-do list aside.

I thought enough was enough. If I don’t leave now I will be the one left out because the other co-workers also planning to resign. It’s not like the situation will get any better. No more pleasant atmosphere as my manager kept hiring new people while the company was at its highest turnover rate. It wasn’t only me who thought that the company somehow changing for the worse. So much toxicity going on that I thought if I’m going to get overworked may as well find a new job that will pay me better. I may gamble for a better situation where I don’t get someone insensitive as a leader.

Back to the present, here I am counting the hours to my last day tomorrow. I also have to prepare to move out to a new place closer.

I’m not sure what to expect in my new job. Not gonna lie, I’m quite anxious because, unlike the previous situation, I’m literally throwing away a full-time job with all of its benefits. My new job is full of possibilities— I’m saying this as a matter of fact. I will be the first HR in my new company which means so many things to build from zero.

I could only wish for the best.

Staying hopeful. Staying strong.