Okay, for some I might be dramatic af but believe me, if I’m being honest I’m more scared than excited about this new age of mine. Especially when you’re an Asian woman, there is so much pressure from people around you that you supposed to live a settled life AND getting married by 25. Fortunately (?), I’m an introvert and I don’t hang out with many people. I’m not close to my family or relatives either. While my mom is quite understanding about my plan of not getting married, there isn’t much nagging going on. But still, it happened sometimes.

For example, my auntie just asked me if there’s someone who could be a possible boyfriend (uhm, husband) while the whole office urged me to get married for a stupid reason (so they’ll have an excuse to visit my hometown). Even my mom who’s pretty chill about this whole thing once said she’s keeping some money just in case someday I’ll change my mind. So yeah, the expectation’s still there. I rarely check SNS these days but when I did, it feels like everyone is getting engaged, getting married, is preggo, or has children. Not that I envy them whatsoever but I scared shit that more people will be nagging me to get married.

Marriage aside, my real nightmare about turning 25 would be the realization that I actually wasted those years living a meaningless life.

I never consider myself an ambitious person. Even so, I’m always dreaming of a life where I could have the freedom to learn and to discover new things. The freedom to believe what I wanna believe without dealing with how society will judge me. The freedom to dedicate certain times for an activity that will somehow benefit mankind. The freedom to live a peaceful life while making a living by doing things that I love.

All of these anxieties caused by such realization became even worse when it took me 24 years old to understand what exactly I wanna do with my life. Perhaps it’s because I hadn’t experienced a 9 to 5 lifestyle yet hence it took me that long to confidently conclude that an office job is not my calling.

Now that I’m 25, I feel like I have to restart my life exactly right now, for better or worse. I’m planning to apply for a master's degree at the university where I once wished to be admitted. I’ve long buried my wish because my mom didn’t have enough money to support my life there but I’m willing to make it real this time. It doesn’t mean that I am now fucken rich hence I’m willing to give up a secured life with a monthly allowance.

As I said, I’m scared shit.

Master degree is a rather risky move on my side tbh. I’m not even sure if I can afford my life thereafter the first year. But at least, I’m financially better than 7 years ago. Nevertheless even tho I might fail the entrance exam, I’ll still resign by the end of the year anyway. I feel like I will forever be stuck and fall into a deep depression if I force myself to stay this way.

It’ll be a tough year ahead for my 25 years old self but let’s work hard, Rika.