I got bad news three days prior to 2018.

My only hope at the moment to feel again that sparks of excitement that used to color my youthful self. My current every day’s daydream. They are broken to pieces.

I failed. So bad, I failed miserably.

As the information sunk in I strangely didn’t feel that sad about it. I was shocked, but I didn't feel hurt and I still am now. I let out a bitter laugh, wondering why life is being cruel to me once again while at the same time wondering why I don’t feel sad when I’m clearly disappointed.

Maybe I’m so used to failure that I am indifference about yet another failure.

Normally I’ll cry for at least an hour before I’ll get myself back and move on. This time I don’t shed a single tear when I failed on probably the most life-changing experience that might happen in my life if I could succeed it. Especially when I put a lot of time, money and efforts just for this dream.

Well, it’s a weird kind of feeling, to be honest. I wonder if I have to blame my recent addiction toward stoicism hence I react this way.

My heart feels numb. Does this somehow radical acceptance usually feels like this? But I guess, as long as I don’t cry and I don’t make people feel pity for me, I’m all good.

I’ll just soak in this feeling for a while.

My past, even though it wasn’t perfect, was somehow too good to be true: in a sense of how I did stuff that I love and made me feel alive. Every night I was looking forward to tomorrow. Well, maybe I wasn’t when I had deadlines for my exams or assignments.

Nowadays, I’m living the days by telling a narrative of how I hate myself and everything’s that happening in my life. I might have money from my job, but I’m scared of a lot of things. There isn’t anything in particular that can make me feel alive at the moment.

I became a pessimist.

On a whim, I deleted and achieved most of my posts during my university days. I even made another blog just because I can’t see myself make depressing posts after previous positive writings. Now, I feel kinda stupid because I did that.

So I’m trying to accept that my past is also part of the current me. I might become gloomier compared to before, but let’s say that I’ll just gonna embrace that part of me as well.

And maybe, heal myself little by little.

But I’m glad that I write something before 2017 ends.